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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Feeling Sorry for Myself

On Monday night one of my best friends had a baby.  She sent me a text message last night announcing his arrival.  Of course, I knew this was coming since she was actually a week past her due date, but it was still tough to get her excited message and see his adorable brand new baby photo.  I am happy for her, she and her husband are very excited and she waited a long time to the find the perfect guy.  But she got pregnant on her second month of "not preventing" which was really hard to take.  When I found out she was pregnant I was devastated.  I know that's selfish, I want her to be happy, but it was still really painful for me.  If I'm being honest, I got really drunk the day after I found out she was pregnant.  Not my finest moment, but it did make me feel better. 

I think she probably knows something is up with me.  We went away on a girls' weekend a few weeks before she found out she was pregnant and we talked about how she was no longer trying to prevent pregnancy and how I had been off the pill for a while, so I'm sure she knows that things aren't working out as we had hoped.  I haven't told her anything, but sometimes people just know these things.  She seems to have been super sensitive about it and I know if I told her she would be wonderful, she's just that kind of friend, but I just feel so guilty for not being happy enough for her.  Luckily she lives several states away so I won't have to see her and her beautiful son in person for quite a while.  Any advice on how to push aside these awful feelings?  I feel like the worst friend ever. 

3 comments:

  1. I hate that guilt is such a big part of infertility. My best advice is take your time. Take a day or two to feel the feelings that come and then make a point to look at it from a more logical place. Your friend or family member getting pregnant or having a baby has NOTHING to do with you. It doesn't mean that you'll have to wait longer for your baby, or that anything else will change fertility-wise for you. This little process has helped me though MANY pregnancy announcements and births in my 2.5 year history with infertility.
    Good Luck :)

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  2. I'm sorry it's so tough when people get what you so desperately want so easily.
    Thinking of you.

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  3. I think it would be really helpful for you both if you let her in on what's been going on. Since she probably has a good idea, she might be hurt that you aren't talking to her about it. And it might feel like a weight off your shoulders once you share this experience with her.

    That being said, I totally understand the guilt. My cousin just announced she's pregnant, and I didn't even bother to ask her when she's due. I feel awful for that, but I just need some more time. And I got pretty wasted that night too ;)

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