It's Just Really Hard

This morning, as we do almost every Sunday morning, J and I went to church.  We are pretty religious and very involved in our church and have always enjoyed being a part of this great community.  Unfortunately the further into IF we get, the more alone I feel....at church.  Church seems to be very family focused.  We are surrounded by families or couples who are expecting.  I look at them and wonder if I'll ever have that.  It gets even harder when it's a special day at church like a baptism or today, First Communion.  When the children went up to receive their First Communion surrounded by their parents and other family members, I started to feel like I couldn't really breathe and had to just look out the window and focus on something else.  I know that's ridiculous, but I just started thinking, what if we never have children?  What if we never get to experience all of these important moments as a family? 

The life that we currently have and our future would have to be dramatically altered if we never have children.  We've spent years dreaming about what our future will be like as a family, saving money for future children, and buying a home in a neighborhood with good schools.  All of this won't matter if we don't have children.  I know I shouldn't focus on this, because we just started treatment and hopefully it will work, but I just feel like I need to prepare myself in case it doesn't work.  I'm usually a pretty optimistic and hopeful person, but honestly it's been hard to keep that up these past few months.  I'm hoping that if I prepare for the worst, I'll save myself some heartbreak if it doesn't work out and if it does I'll be that much happier. 

I'm preparing myself for a really long week.  I'm 7 DPO today, halfway through the TWW, but the second half always seems like the longest.  Plus it's going to be a bad week (or few weeks) at work, or so my co-worker keeps telling me.  I'm trying not to focus on that because I'm enjoying my job so much so far, but we're doing some debt collection during these next few weeks and she said it's really awful.  Next weekend is Easter which is another family focused holiday.  I know it will be terrible to get a BFN on Easter (which will be 14 DPO) especially since we'll be staying at my parent's house, so I'm thinking about testing a day or two earlier, maybe on Friday when I'm 12 DPO.  I think I'll just wait and see how my temps look this week before making any decisions about when to test.  Hopefully this week will just fly by!